Graceful Boundaries - ADHDifference

How to Say No Without Guilt

Alise is a clinical psychologist and coach who’s spent over two decades supporting adults with ADHD. One of her most powerful strategies has little to do with to-do lists and everything to do with boundaries.

Instead of pushing people to be endlessly productive or more disciplined, Alise invites a different question:
How can you live a full and meaningful life, without trying to please everyone else?

“You can’t have a richly rewarding life without disappointing others from time to time. The key is learning to do it with respect and clarity.”
— Dr. Alise Murray, ADHDifference

For adults with ADHD, especially those who have masked, people-pleased, or over-committed for years, this is a radical reframe. Saying no doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you free.

Why This Strategy Works

Many ADHDers carry the emotional weight of years of real or perceived failure. Missed deadlines, lost keys, social misunderstandings, all can lead to chronic feelings of guilt, shame, or low self-worth.

As a result, many try to over-correct by always saying “yes.” Yes to extra shifts. Yes to family demands. Yes to volunteering, helping, picking up the slack. Until there’s nothing left for themselves.

This strategy works because it focuses on authentic communication, not avoidance or appeasement.

It allows you to:

Set realistic limits that honour your energy and capacity
Say no without guilt or fear of being “too much” or “not enough”
Build self-respect and mutual respect into your relationships

When to Use This Strategy

This approach is especially helpful when:

You feel overwhelmed but keep saying yes out of habit or fear
You’re struggling to express your needs clearly
You’re over-committed and noticing resentment or burnout
You feel like you’re failing everyone, including yourself

Start with one small boundary, something low-stakes. Practice how you’ll say it. Then reflect on how it felt and what you learned.

How to Practice It Daily

Boundaries are a practice, not a performance. You don’t need to get it perfect.

Here are ways to build this skill:

Notice when you say yes but mean no. What’s behind the yes?
Use scripts: “I really value our connection, but I can’t take that on right now.”
Reframe rejection: You’re not rejecting people. You’re choosing presence, not pressure.
Celebrate when you set a boundary, even if it feels awkward. That discomfort is growth.
Role-play or journal responses in advance to build confidence.

The Science Behind It

People with ADHD often experience heightened emotional reactivity, including Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, a deep fear of letting others down. Saying no can feel like social self-sabotage.

A 2024 review highlights how personal boundaries are closely linked to improved emotional regulation, reduced anxiety, and higher life satisfaction. It found that clearly defined boundaries help individuals manage social expectations, reduce overwhelm, and protect mental resources, particularly in those prone to people-pleasing or emotional burnout. By learning to assert needs respectfully, individuals can build healthier relationships and improve overall psychological resilience.1

💬 Final Thought

If you’ve spent years overextending yourself in an effort to feel “enough,” it might be time to try something different. You don’t have to disappoint others harshly—but you will sometimes have to disappoint them.

The goal isn’t to say no to everything. It’s to say yes more often to what actually matters.

“Learn to disappoint others with grace, so you can show up for your own life with strength.”
— Dr. Alise Murray

🎧 Listen to the full episode S2E10 here 🎧

REFERENCES:

1. Chernata, T. (2024). Personal boundaries: definition, role, and impact on mental health