Unmasking with ADHD - ADHDifference

Removing The Layers With Grace

For many ADHDers, “masking” isn’t just an occasional behaviour, it becomes a lifelong habit. Julie and Jel describe it as the act of covering up who you truly are in order to fit in, avoid conflict, or meet social expectations. You might play the agreeable colleague, the quiet friend, or the “together” parent while your inner world tells a different story.
The cost? Exhaustion. Confusion. Shallow relationships. And a slow drift away from your authentic self.

“We’re not a completely different person when we mask. It’s still us, just a version of us we’ve toned down for other people’s comfort.”
— Julie Legg, ADHDifference

Why This Strategy Matters

Masking becomes second nature when you’ve spent a lifetime getting negative feedback for being “too much,” “too loud,” “too intense,” or “too chaotic.” Often it starts in childhood, especially for female ADHDers and continues well into adulthood without ever being named.

But naming it is the first step. Julie and Jel reflect on how, after their diagnoses, they could finally look back and understand the patterns: adapting to others’ expectations, hiding strong opinions, or dulling down joy, creativity, or emotional responses.

Recognising masking opens the door to self-acceptance.

These signs often indicate it might be time to gently peel back the layers:

You feel emotionally drained after socialising or in the workplace
That deep exhaustion isn’t just introversion, it may be a sign you’ve been monitoring your behaviour or tone to fit in
You’ve lost track of your own preferences
You no longer dress, speak, behave or socialise in ways that feel like the authentic you
Your reactions take others by surprise

Moments of “truth bursts” when long-held thoughts or feelings erupt unexpectedly, is often the result of chronic self-suppression.

When to Use This Strategy

Often, the most powerful shifts happen in quiet, low-pressure moments. Here are some times when trying it can be especially helpful:

When you feel safe with someone
Safety is foundational. If you’re with someone who accepts and affirms you, that’s an ideal setting to show up more fully.
When you’re with people who have no expectations of you
Strangers or new acquaintances can be surprisingly freeing. With no past version of you to uphold, it can feel easier to test out showing up authentically.
When the cost of masking is becoming too high
If you’re noticing chronic exhaustion, irritability, or disconnection from yourself, it may be time to slowly reduce the mask in manageable ways.
When you’re curious about who you are without the performance
Sometimes, the best reason to unmask is simply to see what’s underneath. That curiosity can be a strong internal motivator.

How to Practice It Daily

Try experimenting with small acts of authenticity in situations where you would usually mask. Here’s what that might look like:

Start noticing when you’re masking. Awareness is the first step
Let yourself stim, fidget or move without apologising
Say “I don’t have the energy for that right now” instead of making an excuse
Wear the clothes you actually like, not the ones you think will please others
Share a differing opinion kindly, but honestly
Say “Let me think about that and come back to you” instead of rushing to respond. That pause can prevent slipping into automatic, masked responses.

“It’s not about being two-faced. It’s about surviving in a world that often doesn’t welcome difference. But now that we have the language, we can choose differently.”

The Science Behind It

Masking is common in neurodivergent populations, especially those with ADHD and autism. Research shows that chronic masking can lead to heightened anxiety, identity confusion, and burnout.

From a neurological perspective:

Masking consumes executive function, the same cognitive resources ADHDers often struggle with. This can drain energy and reduce capacity for memory, planning, and emotional regulation.
Social masking suppresses natural emotional expression, which increases stress-related cortisol responses and decreases authenticity in interpersonal relationships.
Unmasking in safe spaces improves well-being, especially when combined with self-awareness and support.

A meta‑analysis of authenticity, well‑being and engagement found that greater authenticity (i.e., behaving in line with your true self) was strongly associated with higher well‑being and self‑esteem.¹

A study found that girls and women with ADHD often perform identity work, consciously adjusting or concealing traits to meet social norms. This masking process was linked to burnout, emotional confusion, and delayed help-seeking.²

Camouflaging, internalized stigma, and mental health in the general population showed that camouflaging behaviours in neurodivergent persons (including those with ADHD traits) were significantly associated with poorer mental‑health outcomes such as anxiety and depression.³

💬 Final Thought

Knowing why you mask and where you’d rather not is powerful. For Julie and Jel, unmasking means coming home to themselves. Not to please others, but to live in alignment with who they are.

“If you’re brave enough to come below the surface, that’s where the magic is.”

🎧 Listen to the full episode S3e10 here 🎧

REFERENCES:

Sutton, A. (2020). Living the good life: A meta-analysis of authenticity, well-being and engagement
Grimmel, J., Ericson, M., Frick, M.A. (2025) Identity work among girls with ADHD: struggling with Me and I, impression management, and social camouflaging in school
Ai, W., Cunningham,W.A.,  Lai, M. (2024) Camouflaging, internalized stigma, and mental health in the general population