The Drama Triangle - ADHDifference

Spot It. Name It. Shift It.

When you live with ADHD, emotional intensity is often part of the landscape, especially in relationships. Misunderstandings, people-pleasing, over-explaining, and emotional flooding can all become part of the cycle.

Bex O’Malley, a neurodiversity consultant and ADHD coach, shared a powerful framework that’s changed the way she relates to herself and others: The Drama Triangle.

Originally developed by Stephen Karpman, the Drama Triangle highlights three reactive roles we often fall into under stress:

The Victim: “This is happening to me. I have no power here.”
The Rescuer: “Let me fix this for you. I’ll take it on so you don’t have to.”
The Persecutor: “This is wrong. You’re wrong. I need to be in control.”

ADHD brains can move between these roles without even realising it. This strategy is about noticing the role you’re in, and consciously stepping out of the triangle.

“I don’t need to rescue or control or collapse. I can take care of myself in the moment, and choose a different way forward.”
— Bex O’Malley, ADHDifference

This kind of self-leadership doesn’t just change how you relate to others. It transforms how you speak to yourself.

Why This Strategy Matters

ADHDers are often wired for reactivity. We feel fast. We respond fast. And when you’ve spent years masking, over-giving, or trying to keep up with neurotypical norms, you may default to these roles without even noticing.

Using the Drama Triangle as a map helps you:

Recognise relational patterns and emotional triggers
Shift from reaction to reflection
Reclaim a sense of agency in overwhelming moments
Reduce shame-driven behaviours like over-explaining, apologising, or shutting down
Navigate emotional intensity without disconnecting from yourself

This strategy brings a kind of emotional meta-awareness that ADHDers deeply benefit from—but rarely get taught.

When to Use This Strategy

Use the Drama Triangle lens when:

You feel responsible for managing someone else’s emotions
You notice yourself spiralling into blame or defensiveness
You’re stuck in a loop of “why does this always happen to me?”
You’re trying to fix, rescue, or smooth things over (again)
You find yourself replaying a conversation in your head on a loop
You’re unsure where you end and someone else begins

These moments are often cues that you’ve stepped into one of the triangle’s roles. Awareness is your way out.

How to Practice It Daily

Name the Role
Ask: Am I acting from Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor energy right now?
Notice the Pattern
What’s familiar about this moment? What’s the payoff of staying in this role?
Shift the Stance
Instead of Victim → step into Self-Advocate
Instead of Rescuer → step into Supportive Ally
Instead of Persecutor → step into Clear Communicator
Re-anchor in Self-Responsibility
Ask: What’s actually mine to hold here? What do I need right now?

This isn’t about perfection, it’s about pattern interruption. Even catching yourself once a day can shift the emotional tone of your relationships.

The Science Behind It

Emotional reactivity is a common challenge for ADHDers, particularly in interpersonal settings where intensity, overwhelm, and perceived rejection can quickly take over. The Drama Triangle offers a structured, self-awareness tool that supports regulation by helping you identify emotional roles, pause reactive cycles, and reframe your responses.

This aligns closely with current research in ADHD and emotional regulation:

Emotional Dysregulation in ADHD Is Real and Measurable
ADHD isn’t just about focus. Emotional intensity, impulsivity, and difficulty self-regulating are widely recognised features. This makes tools that increase emotional awareness, like the Drama Triangle, essential.¹

ADHDers Report Difficulty Modifying and Accepting Emotions
Adults with ADHD often struggle to calm or reframe distressing emotions once activated. Self-leadership tools that bring awareness to the moment, such as naming your emotional role or checking the “triangle” can help.²

Self-Distancing and Role Recognition Reduce Emotional Intensity
The simple act of mentally stepping back and observing your emotional state “Am I in Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor mode?” has been shown to reduce distress and improve decision-making.³

The Drama Triangle is a Valid Psychological Framework
Developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman in 1968, the Drama Triangle remains a widely-used model in therapy and coaching. It helps individuals identify reactive roles (Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor) and shift toward more empowered responses.⁴

Self-Awareness and Identity Framing Reduce Emotional Load
Recent studies show that when adults with ADHD adopt tools that support emotional reflection and self-leadership, they experience reduced overwhelm and improved relational outcomes. Naming patterns helps reduce shame and increase clarity.⁵

💬 Final Thought

The Drama Triangle gives ADHDers something we don’t often get in moments of intensity: a choice. A map out of the loop. A new language for what we’re experiencing.

Bex’s strategy isn’t about perfection—it’s about perspective. By noticing our roles, we create the opportunity to choose differently. That’s not just emotional regulation. That’s emotional liberation.

🎧 Listen to the full episode S2E19 here 🎧

REFERENCES

Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion Dysregulation in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
Cavelti, M. et al. (2019). A Comparison of Self-Reported Emotional Regulation Skills in Adults With Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.
Powers, K. E., & LaBar, K. S. (2018). Regulating Emotion Through Distancing:A Taxonomy, Neurocognitive Model, and Supporting Meta-Analysis.
Karpman, S. B. (1968). Karpman Drama Triangle.
Ben-Dor Cohen, M. et al. (2024). Coping with Emotional Dysregulation Among Young Adults with ADHD: A Mixed-method Study of Self-awareness and Strategies in Daily Life.