In this solo episode, Curiously ADHD, Julie Legg sits down with a cup of coffee to answer frequently asked questions she’s received over time from people trying to make sense of ADHD.
This episode is both personal and practical, aiming to empower listeners through shared experiences and pragmatic guidance rather than medical advice. Julie emphasizes that she is not a medical professional, but a diagnosed ADHDer and author who has spent years researching and speaking with others in the community.
5 KEY QUESTIONS ADDRESSED
- Second Opinion: “I was tested for ADHD and they said it was probably anxiety. I’m hesitant to spend thousands more for a second opinion and I’m pretty sure I do have ADHD though. Any suggestions?”
- What’s ADHD, what’s normal: “How do you know that you’ve got emotional dysregulation because you might just think it’s normal?”
- Impulsive Spending: “One of my biggest ADHD challenges is how to stop my epic retail spending sprees. I spend too much money impulsively on the things I do not need and cannot afford. What can I do?”
- Neurotypical Ponderings: “I think my partner has ADHD but I don’t know how to broach the subject.”
- Re-diagnosis: “I was diagnosed with ADHD when I lived overseas. I have the reports and I’ve come back to New Zealand and now I have to get reassessed before I can access medication?”
LINKS
- Self-Screening Assessment Tool – ADHD New Zealand
- A Change for Better
- Email ADHDifference Podcast
- The Missing Piece: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding, Diagnosing and Living with ADHD – by Julie Legg
TRANSCRIPT
JULIE: I’m Julie Legg, author of The Missing Piece and diagnosed with ADHD at 52. Welcome to ADHDifference. Now today’s episode’s going to be a little bit different and I’m looking forward to it. I’m calling it ‘Curiously ADHD’ which essentially are common questions that I’ve been asked about ADHD over time, and me sitting down with a cup of coffee and answering the best I can. So some of the questions have come through author talk Q&A’s, through webinars, or just quietly landed in my DMs over time from people just trying to make sense of their own brains and those of someone that they love. Now I do want to say upfront, if this is the first time you’ve tuned in, that I’m not a psychiatrist. I am not a psychologist. I’m here because I have ADHD, and I’m an author, and I’ve done lots of research especially when writing the book. But I’m not here to diagnose anyone. I’ve had countless conversations with specialists, with ADHDers, and wonderful people just like you who are trying to understand what it means to live well with this ADHD difference. So in this episode I’ll be sharing some thoughts, some personal insights, and those that I have gathered over time from others. If anything resonates, fabulous. If not, that’s okay too. Take what works and leave what doesn’t. So let’s dive in to one of the first common questions:
“I was tested for ADHD and they said it was probably anxiety. I’m hesitant to spend thousands more for a second opinion and I’m pretty sure I do have ADHD though. Any suggestions?”
Well it can feel incredibly disheartening when you’ve finally started to connect the dots for yourself only to come away with more doubt than clarity after an assessment. We do need to appreciate though that an assessment is just that. Psychologists and psychiatrists are assessing all of you for possible explanations as to why you feel the way you do and why it has become challenging for you in certain areas. And so while you may completely and utterly feel aligned with ADHD traits, these medical professionals have to rule out other underlying conditions. So here are my thoughts. It’s probably a good idea to just work out why you want the diagnosis. I think the path forward has a lot to do with intention. So if you’re pursuing a diagnosis to access ADHD stimulant medication then yes, seeing a psychiatrist is necessary. But for now, that may have to involve some kind of perseverance especially if you’re navigating long waiting lists and the cost of course if you go privately. So the fact that you’ve already spent thousands suggests that you’ve already been down this path once before. I would be curious to know however if you were diagnosed with anxiety, and if you were taking any medication for that, and perhaps how that was working for you. For some, anxiety comes because of our ADHD traits and in others they are very separate. Anxiety and ADHD as a co-morbidity, which means you’ve got multiple conditions going on, and they can co-exist and there’s a high chance of that in many instances. But if your goal is understanding yourself better or finding ways to manage some of those pesky ADHD traits then seeing an ADHD coach or therapist can be incredibly worthwhile even without a formal diagnosis. If you resonate with ADHD traits the chances are relatively high that some of the strategies that you can implement that suit ADHDers will work for you, whether you’re formally diagnosed or not. So there are some tools you can have a look at if you’re not ready to commit to another assessment. For example there’s a self assessment tool, the likes of an ADHD screener that ADHD New Zealand has on its website. It’s widely used and visited and I’ll put that in the show notes. You can ask a medical professional about the DIVA-5 which is a Diagnostic Interview for ADHD adults specifically. It’s not taking into consideration any other conditions. It’s ADHD specific so it’s structured and it’s evidence-based. And while it is not a formal diagnosis on its own, it can give some very clear indicators and that will help guide you through to next steps. Also just to note, there is no single medical, physical or genetic test for ADHD. And a formal diagnosis you’re going through a psychiatrist for meds or a psychologist for no meds. That’s the way it goes at present. So if you’ve decided you’re going to go full-on into a proper assessment with a psychologist or a psychiatrist, I would suggest that preparation is key. And this part can make a real difference. It is possible the first time you were under prepared, or overwhelmed, or maybe overlooked some of the traits, or even under played them unknowingly just because you thought your… how your brain work was normal when that wasn’t necessarily the case. So I call it homework, which sounds a bit boring but the more you can provide your assessor the better it’s going to be. So they’ll be looking for ADHD traits that go back to when you were a child. It used to be sort of 7 years of age but as an adult they can kind of creep it up to 12. So you want to go back to your earliest memory. Think of primary school, intermediate school, school sports, relationships, friendships at that age. And then try and find examples too where there is a a pattern emerging through your teens, young adulthood. But also too, not just in a work situation or a school situation. Have a look at home life and social situations too because they’re looking for traits across multiple environments. In the meantime you know, it’s okay to take things step by step. Self-understanding is a process and it’s a valid one, with or without a label. So do the best that you can. You don’t need a formal stamp, an ADHD stamp. You don’t need that if you resonate with ADHD traits. Definitely start looking at some non-medical strategies that can help. Those are my thoughts. The next question is a really interesting one and that is:
“How do you know that you’ve got emotional dysregulation because you might just think it’s normal?”
Now that is such a great question and I think many of us have quietly wondered on this. You know, if you’ve lived your whole life with undiagnosed ADHD it can really feel like it’s just your personality or that you’re simply too sensitive, or overly emotional, something you’ve internalized rather than neurological. And let’s face it, maybe we’ve been told these things as a child so we’ve taken the external narrative and applied it to ourselves and truly believe that it’s just our personality. So it is tricky but perhaps others may have noticed or you’ve sensed in yourself that you get upset over ‘the smallest things’ which is a frustrating thing to hear. But if you feel that your moods are swinging that’s something maybe to prick your ears up about. And if you grew up with a parent who has undiagnosed ADHD it can feel even more confusing because this emotional intensity that you’ve been feeling, that you’re feeling on a regular basis may have been normalized in your home. “That’s just how we are,” they may say, the parents and siblings. And so what we’re looking for, it’s not just about the emotions and being emotional, it’s about intensity, about the speed of change, the duration, and the regularity that this is happening. So it’s like the volume knob being turned up often without our say so. So here is what emotional dysregulation may look like: big reactions to seemingly small triggers, snapping quickly or crying unexpectedly, or bursting into laughter or frustration in ways that others don’t seem to. Struggling to come down from emotions. Where others move on quickly, you may still be looping over it for hours or days later. Now there’s a thing we call ’emotional whiplash’ and it’s being on an extreme high one moment and then plunging into deep sadness or irritation the next, often without warning. So rather than like an ocean, rather than sort of waves gentle waves in and out of emotions, it’s more surges and extreme tides. Masking your emotions in public and then feeling completely rung out afterwards, like you’ve been holding your breath for hours. I think that’s a really good way of describing emotional dysregulation. We try so hard to hide our big emotions that internalizing it actually it does sap us from energy big time. So it’s not always visible from the outside either. So for many of us, this big emotion plays out internally. It could be overthinking or ruminating as I’ve mentioned before, analyzing every word of a conversation days later wishing that you’d responded differently. Spotting the pattern is good when emotions you know, constantly feel out of proportion and feel different or difficult to regulate across various situations and environments. We realized it wasn’t just being sensitive, it was actually just part of the ADHD picture. And once you know you can begin to work with it. And it might be through tools, support, or medication, or simply more self-compassion. And you don’t have to be keeping powering on through this on your own. Another common question is:
“One of my biggest ADHD challenges is how to stop my epic retail spending sprees. I spend too much money impulsively on the things I do not need and cannot afford. What can I do?”
Well this is a very common experience with people with ADHD so you’re not alone on that one. And it’s something that many feel quite ashamed to admit. You’re not failing. Your brain is doing what it does best and it’s seeking stimulation. So excessive spending sprees can be addictive you know, although they’re often driven by impulsivity rather than conscious intent. It’s the thrill of the moment. It’s that dopamine hit that comes from buying something new, something exciting, something now, more now. It feels good until it doesn’t. And I guess the next part is at least you’ve recognized it and knowing that it’s a problem is a really good start. Just like with many addictions, spending sprees can be quite addictive as well. So what do we do? Well there’s a few ADHD friendly approaches that can help. One is to pre-empt the situations where you’re likely to have spending sprees. It’s probably… you’ve probably already had a sense of when but maybe it’s late at night, or whether you’re feeling lonely, or whether you’re wanting to go and celebrate something you know and you deserve a treat. Or maybe it’s after a hard day and feel that you deserve a pick-me-up you know. Maybe it’s on payday with that sudden rush of possibility. So recognizing when this is likely to happen and then once those patterns have been recognized, get ready for the temptation. So it might mean leaving your credit card at home, removing saved payment methods from your device or set a cooling off rule like “If I still want it in 24 hours, I’ll revisit it,” rather than this instant purchase. So that sort of works into building in a pause. So a few seconds delay can interrupt the impulsive cycle. So to say to yourself after a few breaths “Is this what I want or need? What am I feeling right now? Is this triggered by my ADHD? And would I still want this tomorrow?” The goal isn’t never to buy anything again, it’s to sort of reclaim that space between impulse and action. So as well as building in a pause we can also add some friction to the process. And I guess it’s just making it slightly harder to spend without some thought. So you could use a prepaid debit card with a weekly limit, or only spending cash that you put in an envelope and you’ve saved up for it. So you go out with a certain amount in your little cash envelope. It could be turning off sort of the auto-fill details online so it’s not so easy just to quickly buy now, now. And maybe have a think about unsubscribing from some marketing emails or unfollow some tempting brands on social media that you know are trip hazards for you. And I guess it’s finding alternative dopamine hits. You know the impulsivity comes from a place that we feel really good now and that’s so valid. So what else can we do to give ourselves a similar lift? Now, by now you may have a list of dopamine hits on your hit list or if not, you should go looking for some healthy ones. It might be a burst of music of your favourite album, and movement. You know, a creative activity that you love to do. Calling someone for a chat. Or scrolling through the things you could buy without buying, like window shopping with guardrails. If you are already in financial trouble you don’t have to face it alone. It’s a very scary space to be in but there are financial mentors who can help, or an ADHD coach, or community support that can help you find ways to rebuild and reframe without the shame. Even just having someone to check in on you can help make the spiral feel less overwhelming. And lastly, be kind to yourself. It’s not that you’re being bad with money, it’s about living in a world that’s not built for ADHD brains. While you’re doing your best, you’re already taking the first step bringing awareness into the pattern. But from here, it’s about building in small supports over time that work with your brain not against it. I’ve had multiple questions from those without ADHD about this:
“I think my partner has ADHD but I don’t know how to broach the subject.”
The truth is ADHD can look different in everyone and it often goes undetected in women, especially when it shows up as emotional sensitivity, or mental fatigue, or forgetfulness, or overwhelm. And these traits can be misread by others and by the person experiencing them. They can again consider them as character flaws or moodiness, where in fact they could be signs of a brain working incredibly hard just to keep up. So tread lightly. For someone who already feels overwhelmed, raising the idea of ADHD could feel confronting even if your intention is purely supportive. So if their behavior is being self-destructive, or impacting on work or home relationships, if you feel the need to want to help guide them to a safer space, that is good. After all, for many of us with ADHD there can be denial. “No, I’m just fine,” when actually things look… they’re probably more drowning in issues or they aren’t in a space to consider that there may be some underlying brain-wiring differences there that may explain some of the challenges that they’re facing. So rather than saying “I think you’ve got ADHD,” consider opening up a little gentle or a curious conversation grounded in shared experience and empathy. So some ideas for example, starting with connection not correction. Rather than focusing on a diagnosis, you’re not there to do that, but you can focus on exploration. So something like “I’ve been reading more about ADHD and I’ve come across this thing that really resonated. It so reminds me of how you’ve been feeling lately or how you’ve been describing those feelings, and it just made me think.” Connecting and doing something together. No one likes to be accused of anything or accused of having ADHD if it’s something that they haven’t really explored before. And you can use real moments for gentle bridges. Maybe a conversation like “You know the other day when you said you felt your brain was going non-stop, or it’s really frustrating forgetting all those small things, I read somewhere that explained it really well.” It’s you know “Should we listen to the podcast together?” And it can feel more validating than critical. And then I’d suggest that you plant the seed and then step back. I know for me with ADHD sometimes I need time to process things. You can offer a resource, a podcast, a video, an article or even just a sentence that may have stayed with you and then give them space, you know. ADHD awareness is something that people connect with in their own time, not when they feel pressured. I’d also suggest that you keep the tone open and team-based, after all you’re in a partnership. So each ADHD journey is unique and it certainly is a journey, and your partner may really appreciate not walking it alone. Your support and someone who’s really willing to learn with them and to work together as a team, to stay open to honest and nonjudgmental feedback, can make all the difference for them. So it’s not about fixing your partner. It’s being… it’s about creating a space for curiosity and for growth and maybe even some self-compassion where there’s been self-criticism. Should you say anything at all? Well that really depends on your dynamic. You know your relationship with your partner. But if it can come from a place of respect, and patience, and kindness, and that you’re not trying to label them but you’re offering them a language for things they might already be feeling. That can be very powerful. Sometimes one of the greatest gifts is simply to say “You’re not imagining it. You’re not broken and you’re not alone. I’m here with you and we’ll work it together.” And the last question for this session of Curiously ADHD is this:
“I was diagnosed with ADHD when I lived overseas. I have the reports and I’ve come back to New Zealand and now I have to get reassessed before I can access medication?”
Well, yes. Very frustrating and you’re not alone in that. Coming back to New Zealand with a confirmed ADHD diagnosis and still having to go through that reassessment can feel like you’re stuck in limbo, especially if you’ve already found a treatment that works for you overseas. So first things first is I think to hang on to those reports. Even if they’re not enough on their own to access medication they’re incredibly valuable in speeding things up once you do get in front of a prescriber or an assessor. So bring them to your GP early on. Get registered with a GP. Get to know your local doctor. Some GPs are more ADHD aware and able to refer more quickly. Or look at going through the private system, go directly to a psychiatrist where wait times could be shorter. Private assessment can be a faster path but it’s also expensive as you may be aware, so it’s worth checking prices ahead of time. That said, there are some low-cost options and there are organizations in New Zealand like A Change For Better who offer, if you meet their criteria, some subsidized assessments through their charitable fund. And their wait times are significantly shorter than the public system. It’s always worth asking what’s available especially if finances are a bit of a barrier. From December 2024 there was… there were some changes so that 2-year mandatory medication reassessment was removed. So that change was expected to free up around 10,000 psychiatrist hours every year so, while that doesn’t help you overnight, it will absolutely ease the backlog over time and hopefully shorten that waiting period for others coming through. So if you’ve been used to stimulant medication overseas that has really worked for you, waiting in New Zealand for a new assessment can be especially tough. It’s a real adjustment and it can knock your routines, and your motivation, and emotional regulation too. So in the meantime, while you’re waiting for this assessment it’s about building a soft landing where you can. So things like creating structure where you can, even loosely. Morning anchors, visual to-do lists, alarms that cue certain tasks. Back to this basic managing, whether you’ve got or whether you are taking stimulant medication or not, these strategies can really help. And you’ve got to find the one that works for you. So another one was body doubling and we’ve recently done a podcast episode on that, working alongside someone else in person or virtually. It can be surprisingly helpful to get things done. And preparing for overwhelm you know, have a few go-to activities that calms your nerves, your nervous system, when your brain is in overdrive. But the sounds of it, if you’re not on medication and you have been used to being on medication, you will notice these patterns show up which may be surprising because you haven’t felt them for some time. So keep notes. That’s always a good one too. Track what’s working for you and what’s not. And this can be really invaluable during your future assessment. So prepare yourself for a bit of a re-trial of medication too. So some of the stimulant medications that were overseas aren’t necessarily available in New Zealand. Or they might be listed under different names. And your prescriber may give you different formulation, or dosages, or regularity and it might feel like you’re starting again. But you’re coming in with more knowledge. And with medication it is… there is a testing and trialling period so it gives you a head start to find what best suits you, again unfortunately. But u definitely don’t give up during that trial phase of your new meds. And also ADHD New Zealand, giving them another plug, is a brilliant place to turn. They’ve got tool kits, and support groups, and updates on all sorts of medication processes and availability. So just knowing that you’ve got somewhere to check in can be hugely grounding as well. You’re doing the right thing and the system in New Zealand may be slow to catch up but you’re already ahead of the game asking some questions. Look, thank you so much for joining me today and asking some curiously ADHD questions. Feel free to email us with any questions that you might have and I’d love to address some of these in a future episode. The email address, along with links to many aspects of what I’ve mentioned in today’s episode, will be available in the show notes. Thanks for listening.