Julie returns to respond to more questions in part 2 of Curiously ADHD. She ponders an array of topics including medication, meditation, labels, genetics, unmasking and reclaiming a lost sense of self.
As a late diagnosed ADHDer she offers empathetic, experience-based reflections meant to validate, soothe, and support.
6 KEY QUESTIONS ADDRESSED
- Medication Worries: “I’ve recently started ADHD medication but it’s not working well for me. I’ve changed GPs a few times and I’m now worried my current doctor won’t take me seriously. What should I do?”
- Meditation Matters: “My mind is constantly noisy with internal chatter. I find it hard to sit still so meditation doesn’t work for me. Do you have any tips to help?”
- Label Stigma: “I’m struggling with the ADHD label after my diagnosis. I don’t want people to see me as ‘too hard’. Should I keep it to myself?”
- Family Patterns: “My sister has ADHD and I suspect my mother does too. What are the chances I have it?”
- Unmasking Fatigue: “A work colleague said that unmasking can be exhausting. What does she mean by that?”
- Regaining My Spark: “I feel ashamed of things I did before my ADHD diagnosis. I carry a lot of guilt and now I think I’ve lost the spark I used to have. How do I move forward?”
LINKS
- Self-Screening Assessment Tool – ADHD New Zealand
- Email ADHDifference Podcast
- The Missing Piece: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding, Diagnosing and Living with ADHD – by Julie Legg
TRANSCRIPT
JULIE: I’m Julie Legg, author of The Missing Piece and diagnosed with ADHD at 52. Welcome to ADHDifference and welcome back to Curiously ADHD. A few weeks ago, I released an episode where I answered some common questions. And the questions keep coming so I’m happy that it resonated with many of you. And we’ve got a few more questions to answer so we’ll be diving into things that really sit quietly in the back of our minds post-diagnosis. Things like medication worries, noisy brains, masking and unmasking, feeling misunderstood, or carrying guilt for the before version of ourselves. A reminder that these questions aren’t clinical. They’re personal, they’re emotional and what I hope to offer isn’t so much as expert advice, as I’m not a doctor, but rather more understanding and clarity, shared language, and reminder that you’re not alone in your thinking or feeling of any of those. So find a comfy spot, maybe pop your phone on do-not-disturb and we’ll unpack a few more of those big curiously and beautifully complex ADHD questions together. One of the first questions is:
“I’ve recently started ADHD medication but it’s not working well for me. I’ve changed GPs a few times and I’m now worried my current doctor won’t take me seriously. What should I do?”
Well yes, if you’ve recently started ADHD meds and they’re not working the way you’d hoped, or maybe you’re feeling worse, or a bit off, or even quite anxious, you’ve got to understand that you aren’t alone in this. And there is a trial-and-error period where unfortunately, very common, there are some side effects that can be quite unsettling just when you’re trying to find peace and find your footing after a post diagnosis. So you mentioned switching GPs and you know, that process alone is quite draining, isn’t it? When you have to tell and retell your story not knowing if the new doctor is fully on board with your past, your history, or if they’re really going to listen to you. So just make sure that you stick at it. You do deserve support and especially where ADHD, where good care can make a huge difference. So when you’re first diagnosed by a psychiatrist you’re going to be provided, or your doctor will be provided, with a report with medication recommendations. And if there are stimulant medication there will be suggested dosages, whether or not slow release format might be suitable for you. But after that, it’s typically your GP who manages the practical side of things and there’s a fair bit that they can do. They can tweak your dose, they consider changes in your weight because losing weight can impact how your body responds to the meds, and also switch between short-acting and long-lasting formulations. They’re also the ones that should be helping you to help monitor any side effects. And it’s really important again, if medication is making things worse not better, it’s a red flag certainly worth noting and talking about with your GP. ADHD meds are meant to help you focus, meant to help with emotional regulation and your ability to function better. But if instead you’re feeling more restless and anxious, irritable, or experiencing things like headaches and mood swings or even depression, these are all signs that something is off. So you know, people have described that their dose was too high for their weight and they ended up with some quite scary side effects including heart palpitations, rapid weight loss, and intense anxiety. So that’s not something you can really push through quietly. You’ve got to speak up about things like that. So if the idea of sitting down with your GP makes you nervous having this conversation you might want to jot a few notes down rather than running for the hills. So just what you’re experiencing, what time of day, and in relation to your medication, might just be able to provide a pattern that your GP will be able to work with. So it’s not unreasonable to want a second opinion if you’re struggling with your GP. There are plenty of providers and resources out there to help take the pressure off and it’s not unreasonable to want a second opinion. You want a GP that understands you and listens and they are out there. It’s just a matter of finding the one that is your best fit. So to wrap this one up, you’re not being dramatic, you’re not being over the top, you’re just being observant and you know your body and if it’s not feeling right you’re allowed to ask for better. Because it’s your health, and your brain, and your life. Another question.
“My mind is constantly noisy with internal chatter. I find it hard to sit still so meditation doesn’t work for me. Do you have any tips to help?”
Aha yes. Well, the noisy brain, the racing thoughts, the endless inner commentary, it’s one of the most common things that I hear from other ADHDers. And personally I can so relate to it. So when people suggest traditional meditation as the solution it’s often met with a big sigh, almost the impossible task but that’s the traditional version and maybe we just need to do it our way. So if you’re struggling to meditate just know that it’s not that you have failed, truly. You’re not doing it wrong. You’re simply working with the brain that’s wired for stimulation and motion, and not stillness and silence, and that’s okay. In The Missing Piece a few ladies shared what it’s like to have an internal chatter and a busy brain. And I think hearing other people’s examples actually really helps maybe, try and articulate what’s going on in our heads. So one described it as sitting in a cafe, in a busy cafe, where there’s conversations, there’s clinking cups, there’s a background music, there’s the hum of the coffee machine, and it’s all happening inside your head. And sometimes you can tune into a thought but then it’s overloaded with other noises and everything is very loud all at once. Another described it as flicking between radio stations without controlling the remote. You know, one moment it’s music, the next it’s talk back, and then suddenly your to-do list pops up and it’s shouting at you. And it’s not that you can’t hear the thoughts in your head. It’s often there’s just so many all at once. For me it’s a little bit like a pinball machine. There are multiple thoughts in play and they bounce off the side of my head. And they’re in loops, often it’s rapid and intense. And it’s a bit of a cacophony and it certainly is constant. So sitting cross-legged in silence trying to clear your mind is not always the best way to work with our ADHD brains. But there is a way to create calm with ADHD style. So you might find more comfort in a movement-based mindfulness where you’re moving but perhaps more slowly. So it could be a quiet walk, really noticing the things around you or stretching slowly while focusing on your breath. Or even swaying to music. And these are all valuable, valid ways to reset. Also guided meditations can also be more helpful than silent ones. You can find them online. They’re structured. There’s a voice that gently anchors you and guides you through the next process. Then there’s 3 minutes of breath work. It’s called the 4-7-8 pattern. You breathe in for four, you hold for seven, and breathe out for eight. And it’s a great place to start just to slow things down. So this pausing really helps. So a full-on meditation practice to gain the benefits of slowing down is not required. You can do it at your own speed too with a bit of practice. So again just pausing a moment between tasks, allowing yourself 60 seconds just to be and to let your mind wander and be really okay with that, rather than trying to control that. Before replying to a message, before picking up your phone. It’s enough to take the edge off some of that internal noise. And so the goal isn’t to stop your thoughts. It’s just to find a gentle way to turn the volume down just a notch just for a time. So no, you’re not broken if you can’t meditate in a traditional sense. You’re creative, and you’re curious, and your brain just needs a different door into calm. And that’s not just okay, that’s valid because it’s you and you’re doing it your way. Next question.
“I’m struggling with the ADHD label after my diagnosis. I don’t want people to see me as ‘too hard’. Should I keep it to myself?”
Yeah well that’s a valid question too with all the myths and misunderstandings out there about ADHD, and one question that’s really asked often and contemplated. Getting this diagnosis can be… ahh, it can bring such a whirlwind of emotions. And on one hand there’s relief finally having a name for what you’ve been feeling and navigating all this time but on the other, there’s a bit of a weighty pause. You know, what does it mean now? And how will people see me? Differently? So especially in work and social settings, and family settings, it can feel like there’s something at stake. You don’t want to be seen as unreliable or too difficult and you don’t want to be quietly placed in the ‘too difficult’ basket. And I want to say that fear makes sense. You’re not imagining it that ADHDers do carry that worry. So what I would respond to that is that you don’t have to tell anyone until you feel ready and it’s your diagnosis and it belongs to you. It’s not a confession. It’s information about how your brain works, not a judgment on your character. So in the workplace, sharing your ADHD might help accessing support or some accommodations or some way of making your working style a little more sustainable. But it doesn’t mean you have to announce it to the whole office. Think of it’s less as disclosing a label and more as advocating what you need that helps you best. And again, there’s no requirement to do anything unless you want to and you’re ready for it. And in family life it can even be more layered. You’ve got old dynamics, you’ve got past misunderstandings or assumptions that might suddenly come into focus, ways that you’ve reacted in the past now if you understand your brain more they’re not necessarily going to happen the same. Are you going to be put in a box by family? It can be quite confronting and you might feel the urge that you need to explain everything or maybe the opposite, maybe just keep it all to yourself and both are perfectly valid. So don’t feel like you’re pushed to do anything. An ADHD diagnosis is there to help you understand your brain and to help you come up with strategies that makes your world, your life better. So whether you choose to share that or stay quiet for now, the most important thing is having ADHD doesn’t make you ‘too much.’ You are you. It makes you someone with a brain that processes differently, sometimes wonderfully, and sometimes chaotically but always with depth and you behind it all. So if you’re finding it difficult to find your footing with your diagnosis, it’s okay and let yourself sit with it. You can talk to people that do understand. You can learn what it means for you before worrying about how others may perceive it. So it’s not about denying who you are at all. It’s about honoring your right to take up your space as you are, ADHD and all. Another question.
“My sister has ADHD and I suspect my mother does too. What are the chances I have it?”
Aha, well here we go. It’s the classic family pattern. One person gets diagnosed and suddenly all of the puzzle pieces start flying around the room. It’s not unusual to start looking at your siblings and your parents and maybe even your grandparents, and go ah uh-huh hang on this explains so much! So the heart of your question really is what are the chances that you have ADHD too if your sister’s diagnosed and you expect your mom might. Well actually it’s pretty high. ADHD has a strong genetic link. Studies suggest it runs in families. So if a close family member has it, particularly a parent or a sibling, your chances of having ADHD are significantly increased. So we’re talking one in four, one in two chance, depending on which study you’re looking at. So yes, it’s absolutely worth considering but the key is whether you’re experiencing a pattern of challenges in focus, time management, impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, all of those classic ADHD traits that you feel impacts your day-to-day life. And if you’ve seen it in your sister and if you can imagine it in your mother and you can relate to those, well maybe that’s a heads up that it might be worth looking into. So if it does sound familiar it’s worth doing a bit of a reflection or taking a self-assessment particularly if it’s not merely out of curiosity but you feel that some of those ADHD strategies might be able to help you. So that’s the aim or have a chat with your local GP or mental health professional who understands ADHD. Again you can look at the ADHD New Zealand website, really full of great self-assessment tools and lots of reading to be done there. So the goal isn’t to collect labels. It’s to understand yourself better. So don’t be scared of ADHD. It’s just how your brain works. Don’t be afraid. Honestly understanding the stuff even if it doesn’t end in a diagnosis can still be incredibly validating. So whether you’re officially ADHD or just a bit ADHD-adjacent, learning how your brain works is never a waste of time. So yes if your sister has it and your mum seems likely your chances are definitely up there. But more importantly if something about their experience is resonating with you it might be worth looking at a little closer, not to box yourself in but to find some clarity and maybe even a little relief. Now here’s an interesting one.
“A work colleague said that unmasking can be exhausting. What does she mean by that?”
Hmmm, well unmasking, yes, it can be exhausting and your colleague is not wrong there. So let’s start what it means by masking. This is something that many of us with ADHD and also those on the autism spectrum do often without realizing it. And it’s the act of hiding or toning down parts of ourselves to appear more neurotypical. So we might mimic behaviors that we think are expected of us or push ourselves to stay quiet when organically we want to speak out. Or to hold back on the fidgeting, again, that organically we are more likely to do to try and seem more focused than we really feel. So masking can help us fit in especially in workplaces or social settings but it comes at a cost. Masking can take energy. Constant monitoring of yourself, second guessing what you’re doing or what you’ve said, or how you’ve come across can be absolutely exhausting. So unmasking is the process of taking off that disguise, letting yourself be more authentic. And while that sounds freeing, and it absolutely is, it can also put us in a very vulnerable state. That’s what I think your colleague is referring to. So to give you a sense of what it’s like, will put it this way. So imagine you’ve been wearing a fancy dress costume every day, a really convincing one. So maybe it’s a sharp suit jacket that says “Yes I am in control.” Or a calm voice that you know, when your brain is doing cartwheels you can flick on this calm voice. And you’ve worn it for so long it almost feels like skin, and it’s not. And the skin is heavy and it itches and underneath you’re tired but it seems to fit and it seems to do the work. That costume, that’s the masking. Now unmasking, that’s a little bit like undoing this sharp suit jacket and saying “Actually a bit of the real me is under this that you need to see.” It’s being able to trust the real you, the fidgety, excited, distracted high energy, passionate, deep feeling you. But taking off the costume takes energy because suddenly you’re exposed. It’s a very vulnerable space to be and you might worry that people won’t understand. Or seeing the real you for the first time might be a bit of a shock when all they’ve seen is this masked version of you. So it can be exhausting emotionally and mentally and sometimes even physically. Look there’s relief in it too as I’ve mentioned. It’s a breath, it’s a loosening of the chest, it’s feeling quiet finally that you can be you. But it’s not it’s not necessarily easy because you’re monitoring yourself still. Am I safe to do this in this environment, whether it’s at work or at home or with extended family? Unmasking isn’t all of a sudden about being messy all the time and doing your ADHD things that you might do in your personal space but in public. It’s about slowly showing up as yourself and I think where your colleague is at. They might need a bit of extra care and patience and support while they’re figuring this out. Slowly laughing out loud, slowly being able to be honest and gauging reaction and not apologizing every few seconds for it. It does take time but it does take a lot of bravery as well to unmask. So be patient with them and give them all the love and the support you can. And listen to them if they feel they need to explain themselves.
“I feel ashamed of things I did before my ADHD diagnosis. I carry a lot of guilt and now I think I’ve lost the spark I used to have. How do I move forward?”
This one touches a nerve I think for many of us and I just wanted to start by saying that if you’re carrying guilt or shame, or feeling like the best parts of you have gone quiet, you’re not alone. And after an ADHD diagnosis it’s common to look back at the ‘before’ version of us with a lot of harshness. And while we re-evaluate those impulsive decisions, or forgotten responsibilities, or emotional outbursts, we often do that without kindness. And it can feel like there’s a you from the past that you’re constantly apologizing for. Now there is a distinction that Dr William Dodson makes that I find really grounding and that’s: guilt is something tied to something you did, whereas shame is the belief that you are the problem. So while guilt may say “I made a mistake”, shame says “I am the mistake.” And so many ADHDers really carry deep layers of that. And it’s often shaped by years of being misunderstood and mislabeled, or told that we aren’t living up to our potential. And when that builds up over time, it’s not just about what happened, it becomes who we believe we are and that’s where we start to lose the spark, I feel. So you’ve spent, likely spent, years managing and adapting and holding it all together and it doesn’t mean that you’re joyless, it just means you’ve been protecting yourself and that’s very brave. And it’s how we’ve made it through, let’s face it, to a certain point before diagnosis especially. So the work now isn’t going back to try and erase the past. We were doing what that version of us needed to do to get through and we may not have had all the tools available to us but we kept going. And that really deserves credit not shame. So post-diagnosis we have more tools now and we can understand our brain better now. So reclaiming your spark might look like doing something just because it makes you laugh, you know. Letting yourself be curious again without needing a productive reason, to finding safe people who see all of you not just the polished version. You know, it’s not about becoming a new person. It’s about giving the real you more breathing space. And some days we will still feel heavy with regret. That’s okay too, you know. This healing process is not a linear one. It comes in waves and with each wave I guess we learn how to ride it with a little bit more balance. We’re not broken. We’re just becoming us again. And your spark is still there, just waiting for a little space and a little self-forgiveness and a lot more compassion. So it is there. Treat yourself kindly. Tread lightly but let it out.
And that’s it for today’s episode, a handful of beautifully human questions and a little bit of space to explore them with compassion. If any of these have landed for you, if it has made you feel seen or understood, or even just a little less alone, I’m so glad. That’s really the heart of the series. Not to have all the answers but to keep asking the right questions together. As always, you’re welcome to send me through more of your thoughts and your questions for future episodes. I read them all and they often spark the exact conversation that others are quietly wanting to hear. So until next time, be gentle with yourself. You are not ‘too much.’ You are not broken. You are an awesome you and that’s something to be proud of. Thanks for listening. I’ll see you again.