E18 – Dating

Julie Legg and Jel Legg discuss ADHD and dating – how ADHD traits can impact some of our dating skills or our dating experience, managing expectations, and being authentic.   

They chat about how the search for dopamine may drive impulsivity, passion, energy, and excitement. They discuss their personal experiences when it comes to diving in, quick exits, bouncing back, and ultimately what their ADHD brain is looking for in a date.

Topics discussed in this episode:

  • Dopamine, diving in, intensity and passion.

  • Fight, flight, and red flags of dating experiences.

  • ADHD vs non-ADHD dating experiences.

  • Having fun on dates and managing expectations for what comes next.

  • The importance of being yourself, naturally – open and honest.

  • Bouncing back and moving on after a date that didn’t go well.

Key takeaways:

  • It’s important that those with ADHD understand how and why their brain works the way it does, but not shy away from being authentic during the dating process. Being open and honest, and not masking in order to impress, will go a long way to find ‘your person’.

  • While some ADHD traits can trip us up at times, remember we have extremely positive traits too that others can find very attractive.

  • Enjoy the dating experience one date at a time, and try not to race ahead and plan future outcomes beyond the first date.

Links:

Transcript:

JULIE: I’m Julie Legg, author of The Missing Piece and diagnosed with ADHD at 52.

JEL: And I’m Jel Legg, diagnosed at 55.

JULIE: Welcome to ADHDifference. In this episode we’re going to be talking about ADHD and dating – not so much relationships. It’s a big subject and we’ll have several episodes to cover different elements of it, but today it’s all about dating. I thought we should start off with some of our ADHD traits and how they can impact some of our dating skills or our dating experience. So, we’ve got the likes of impulsiveness, over talking, overthinking, the fight or flight response, that we’ll often have and also, our search for dopamine along the way.

JEL: Yeah, and I think I’d like to start by saying I haven’t done a great deal of dating, but I’ve only spent, I don’t know, a year or two of my entire life single. So, it’s not that I haven’t had relationships, pretty much back-to-back, it’s just I’ve never really spent a lot of time on the dating scene. I had to really think about how many people I dated in that traditional sense. Impulsiveness, all those various things that come with the traits that Julie just mentioned, one of the things just to define my dating is, if I meet someone, I’m pretty much all in straight away.  I know that’s a bad thing. It’s only a bad thing if the other person actually just finds that just too much. And there would have been dates I guess I would have been on where it was pretty obvious straight away that I was a bit too much for them. But yeah, I there’s … you hear of people all the time who are dating for weeks and then months, and they’re just taking it slow. I’ve never taken it slow. That’s not something I’ve ever done. I can’t understand that concept. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with that, it’s probably the right way to do it. But looking back, with a late-life, late adult sort of diagnosis with ADHD, I’ve reanalysed and looked back at all the times I’ve dated or had relationships. Whether they’ve been 3 months, 6 months, sometimes 10 years, but there was never any question of going slow with them.

JULIE: No, and our relationship for example, and again we’ll talk in detail about that in other episodes, but we didn’t date either.

JEL: No. We knew each other 30 years ago in a band, and we knew each other for two or three years, and we didn’t date. There was no romance or relationship whatsoever, other than we were friends in a band. And then when we got together 12 years ago, it just, well … dived straight in really. Yeah, yeah. It was very quick. There was no dating or seeing if it was right. We just knew it was right. And, to be fair, with past relationships that may have lasted for many years, we knew they were right when we went into them, and they were right. They were not disasters from day one. Relationships can fall apart years later, it’s very common. So, it doesn’t … we don’t carry any battle scars that we really got that one wrong. Every relationship brought something to the table that we’re glad we had them. We don’t regret a single relationship. Yeah. Fair to say, do you think?

JULIE: Absolutely. I think too, when we talk about our ADHD traits, things like impulsiveness, I think it goes both ways. I would be more impulsive on a date to go “Hey let’s do this or … ” and I was seeking that from them as well. So, many dates that I’ve had, and in hindsight they probably would have been ADHD as well, although I’m not trying to diagnose anyone, but they had that element of impulsivity and spontaneous-ness that I loved. That was great. Those that didn’t kind of have those traits that matched mine, my dopamine levels just didn’t quite get there at all and I could become quite bored quite easily with my dates. That was a struggle.

JEL: And from my understanding too is that … and I think my experience, and the experiences you’ve shared with me, is some of those dates where you stopped the dating after three or four dates, often the feedback would be “I don’t understand. We’re really having lots of fun. We’re getting on just great.” So, from their perspective we just seem very strange people to date because we could stop that quite quickly. And I really feel sorry for them. They just don’t understand why we stopped in our tracks.

JULIE: No, and neither did we at the time. And I think this is, you know, so it was a bit unexplained for us as well. Impulsiveness on a date or random, you know random dates with random people potentially, doing random things, but also over talking. You’ve had an experience?

JEL: Yes, I can remember, probably the first time I went on a ‘date’ date, yeah. There was someone I really, really, wanted to go on a date with and somehow, I pulled it off. I don’t know how now. And we just went for a drink and I talked my way through a couple of hours and I must have completely bought them silly. I thought I had quite an exciting world at the time, being in a band, I thought it would just be a shoe-in. There’s lots of “Come along to rehearsal or gig, whatever.” It’d be “Yes, such fun,” but I didn’t stop to listen to them and really look into who they were. And so that ended after one date quite quickly. Yeah, and so that makes a lot of sense to me now why. A couple points I want to make very quickly: one is that we’ve never knowingly dated or had a relationship with someone who was diagnosed with ADHD, apart from each other, no one else. Two: there is no way we’re suggesting anyone we’ve ever dated, or been with, has ADHD and in that regard, where we may have very, very, quickly fall into a relationship with someone, they may have displayed characteristics of ADHD, but doesn’t mean they have it, at all, or had it. It just doesn’t mean that at al. There’s no implication. It may be that they were just intoxicated by the energy that we can bring to a party or space.

JULIE: Absolutely, energy is huge. And you can be, you don’t have to be bouncing off the walls to have energy. You can see it in expression and just how you deliver a sentence and, you know, sparkling eyes and you know … [Just the passion.] Yeah yeah yeah and that can be quite intoxicating for some people and they may feel, their feelings towards someone with ADHD, might be even stronger because we’re displaying that. And when you think about normal dating, who would know, but you know often it’s you know, it’s a slow pace, there might be some standardization around dating and where you go and what you do and what you talk about potentially on a first stage. But with no filter and no regulation I, know you haven’t done a lot of dating per se with that regards, but I just ask whatever questions I had in my mind. And some were quite blunt, open, you know. Blunt questions and some people were quite shocked and others were delighted that I had, you know, rather than skim over the top and sort of have a nice date, I got down to the nitty-gritty. But yeah, fight or flights also, I know that I’ve exercised that in dating as well. As you said, after a couple of dates, or even after one date, just go no no and they will say “But we laughed so much.” And I think, yeah probably because I was entertaining them, certainly not the other way around. And if I were to go back from a date and I wasn’t enthused and more energized, it would be the opposite. I’d feel very drained and, you know, I knew that that feeling meant that the date probably wasn’t going well and nor to repeat it because what they, ‘they’ the other person, were like on paper, it doesn’t mean a thing. It’s what they’re like in person that matters.

JEL: Yeah, so with ADHD we’re not talking about one attribute. So, for example, passion and diving in with passion, and intent, and putting your best foot forward, that does not automatically qualify anyone as having ADHD. It’s a whole range of different things that impact your life, in a negative way, they’re a collection of descriptors. So, it is possible that we’ve met our match in people on the dating or relationship scene who dive in with a lot of passion and meet ours, and therefore we can fall into a relationship quite quickly. However, the other, excuse me, the other aspects that we have on our character that comes from having ADHD are the things that then would trip that relationship up, or break it.

JULIE: Right, so for example, an unexpected … big emotions when they thought that they had a sussed, potentially could shock them or confuse them. Yeah, over time, when we’re allowed to be ourselves and we drop the mask, often our real selves can be a bit of surprise for those that we’re trying to impress.

JEL: So, from my perspective some of the dates I’ve walked away from after one or two dates, I think generally the pattern was, as you mentioned, boredom. I could look at someone and think “You’re really nice. I really like you. This is quite an easy date. I can sense you’re really liking me and this is just a natural space we can go into.” But then something about them would reveal quite quickly that I’m dealing with someone wants to get married in a couple of years, get a two-bedroom house, and have a couple of kids. Nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with that. But, for me from an ADHD perspective, that’s never been my goal or life plan. I’ve ended up in that situation and very happy with it, but it was not something that was driving me. So, we’re talking early 20s here. It was not on my horizon in any form. I don’t honestly know what was on my horizon the early 20s apart from, you know, lots of musical aspirations, or wanting to see a bit of the world, or just … And it wasn’t going from one frivolous date to the next. I was never one of those guys that was a player. I did have genuine relationships. Even from my first one real proper girlfriend, yeah proper girlfriend, there’s no a couple of dates and then at 19 I fell into a relationship the lasted five years. It was very grown up and very mature and was fantastic. And I don’t … so they’re very formative important years, 19 to about 23/24. That’s when generally people get to, can I say play the field and have a lot of fun, but I was quite happily in a sort of routine relationship with someone and it was just brilliant, and I was always loyal and that was how it worked. So, in a way that sounds for a lot of you listening, that sounds quite mundane and domestic and boring. It wasn’t. It was really good but if I sense there was an entrapment in a relationship, a sense that we were heading down a predetermined path quite quickly in dating, back to dating, I would be out of there very quickly. Whereas the one I’ve just described you for five years had no expectations or sense of where it was going.

JULIE: I was quite a prolific dater and I loved it. The first date, it was either the worst or the best date. I loved it. I loved learning about people; new energy, new faces. I wanted to find my person and so I kept trying until I did. And I have had several long relationships but I really enjoyed the dating process. I had quite strict parameters because I wanted someone to match my energy, so already they were quite kind of strict. Those that got through, yay. Those that didn’t, goodbye. However, where I failed, I guess is after my first marriage and as a single mother dating, there was only certain times that I could exercise the dating ritual, and I expanded my list. I thought I should be more open-minded because, you know, I was getting older.  I was in my 30s and the rest, and that really failed me because I opened my list up too much, and I had some weird and wonderful people. Lots of situations where I felt actually quite awkward and uncomfortable and I wish I stuck to my guns, but I did in the end. I did in the end. But it’s kind of that learning curve, without being too strict on who you want to date, and be open-minded, but also have a … know your limits with regards to character traits or things that you know aren’t good for you in your life. But we’re talking about ADHD traits, but let’s talk about finding a date because there’ll be those listening who are single at the moment and, you know, how on earth do you find a date at your age, whatever age that may be.

JEL: Well, I can tell you how you don’t find a date, or how I’ve never found a date. So, I’m a 60s child, which means 70s was having a big impact on me, 70s and then early ‘ 80s when I’m sort of, in theory, meant to start dating. So unfortunately, that culture of the 70s is ingrained into that young teenager preparing mentally to go into the world of dating and it was a dreadful culture. It was dreadful. It was always based around this thing called a chat up line. The idea that, you know, all the boys that were getting the girls, they had the charm they knew how to walk into a situation and say just the right line to nail a date, which is the most misogynistic rubbish I’ve ever heard. It’s just, even when I was young, I knew that there was just fake rubbish. It was just not how life would work, surely. So, I’ve never actually got a date by walking up to someone in a bar or, you know, some random person, and offering to buy them a drink. That’s just the … that’s Hollywood cliche, that’s rubbish. How it worked for me was always just there was someone in the social circle that I would just make some time to have a conversation with, generally bringing in humor. Humor always works just because it’s a fun conversation and that brings out the best in people and then maybe you get a chance to ask them to do, go bowling or do something and it goes from there. So, my dates were always driven from either a social circle, or someone I worked with, or … I have had the experience of building up a relationship online actually, but it was with someone who was real. It wasn’t, and I would not advocate doing it with a stranger, I’ve seen people do it with people who they just don’t, or never met and they don’t know if they’re real or not. But this was with a real person that I knew existed, and I’ve been … knew the same people as I knew, so it was very safe. And so, there’s all sorts of different ways of doing it but it’s I think organic’s the word. I think organic. Something just sparks and kicks off. You’ve got to have your wits about you. You’ve got to have your radar on looking for that opportunity. You’ve got to take that spark from someone, read it just right, read it just right and just take it to the next spark and see if there’s something a little more without being too pushy. Once the door opens and the opportunity is to have a date, well from the ADHD viewpoint then it’s bam, straight in, and now that can actually be wonderful. Now there’s some expression about that, where you sort of get … you, some people …  it’s a bad thing where you get love bombed and then suddenly ghosted and dropped. I was never someone that love bombed someone. I literally dived in and “Let’s get to know each other. Let’s have some fun. Let’s have some energy here,” and that can lead to relationships lasting years. Or you know, if they, when they, those that dating comes to an end there’s always a reason for it. But it’s not … it’s not the bad side of what you read about.

JULIE: Two things that come to mind from that: being pushy. I think if it’s “They should have texted me today. They should have asked me out on another date. They should have said this. They should have done that,” if, in my feelings, if you’re thinking along those lines, you know what? They’re not the right match. Yeah. Dating should be easy and it should be fun, and also you should be yourself. It’s easy to mask because you want to impress someone. Probably the best policy is to be open and it’s not necessarily to say “Hey I’ve got ADHD.” You don’t have to do that, but you can, you can just be your charming, vivacious, lovely self. Over talk, just be yourself and they either will like you for that or they won’t. And the best thing is at least you’re being authentically you. I think, you know, when you try to hide too much of yourself, just like in a friendship point of view, it’s … that’s probably not going to work out long term.

JEL: Yeah, that’s true. You do need to be yourself and yeah, love … is it love bombing when you just dive in too much, a little bit too fast off the blocks? But there’s being fast off the blocks with passion and interest, and the dopamine that is getting … the dopamine’s rising. you know. You’re getting the hits. There’s a difference between that and being fast off the, too fast off the blocks, and saying “Well I want children by next February,” you know. “And I want to be married by 21.” It’s whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa because you see, there’s such a difference between passion and planning. That planning is where it just goes “Whoa I’m out of here,” because life doesn’t work like that and no one wants to suddenly have all those plans thrown at them, surely.

JULIE: Unless magically there are two people dating that want exactly the same thing and then go for it.

JEL: I’ve seen that happen and that’s brilliant because every … of course I’ve, we have, observed around us over the last 30 years or so, far more relationships that aren’t based on ADHD than are based on ADHD. Our only experience ourselves is … [That we know of.] Yeah, is through our own experiences because we have ADHD. Yeah, finding dates …

JULIE: I went online a lot and that was a heck of a lot of fun and I’d line them up. I’d line up the dates. [Like drinks.] I would … [shots] I would have pretty much, you know, three dates on a Saturday. I’d have a breakfast date, and a lunch date, and a dinner date. And, depending on how well things go, occasionally I’d cancel a dinner date because I … [Well, they went well because you probably didn’t pay for any of those meals.] But, you know, I mean that’s pretty … I was pretty focused on getting out there and making the most of my time. As I said, a single mother so I didn’t have a lot of time to exercise my dating regime but I got there in the end. But ending a date – so we’re not talking about ending a relationship per se but after one, two, or three dates, say that don’t go well, I use my intuition, my gut instinct absolutely. And, if I felt that there were any red flags, I was quite tough and I’d just say “No, I don’t think it’s going to work out.” And that may have seemed a bit cruel because others were just going “Hey well if you want us to have more fun on a date, hey I can go and take you to the comedy club,” and it’s kind of hmmmm, like a I don’t mean that because I know, I know we can go to an event and have fun but it should, for me, I just wanted something naturally that could bounce along and the mundane to be fun. You know what I mean? I didn’t have to be spent money on to go to an event for that.

JEL: I agree entirely. I don’t think … Jules definitely has a lot more dating experience than I have, but I don’t think what you do on the date has anything to do whether it’s a successful date or not. You could literally walk in the park for a couple of hours or … the beginning I guess of the relationship we have you could describe a period of dating but if it were in any sense dating, it was simply sitting talking at each other, not AT each other, WITH each other, with each other and suddenly noticing the sun has gone down. It might be just across the kitchen dining table and the sun’s gone down, and it was up and it was bright and sunny when we started, now pitch black. Where did the time go? You get lost. It doesn’t require, in my opinion, going to the movies or dinner. In fact, we still don’t have any sense of that romance in our relationship that it there has to be flowers and a particular occasion, it’s all meaningless. It’s about communication. Dating for me where it happens is all about: are we communicating? Are we really mentally getting on? The rest will fall into place.

JULIE: And also being honest [yes] because you know, gosh that’s testing a relationship quite early on in the process but wouldn’t you rather know right up front whether, you know, your honesty is going to be well received or whether it opens up a great discussion and/or celebrated or whatever the honesty involves. Rather than wait and feel “I shouldn’t really bring that up,” and then drag it out until you’re in to a relationship and then that’s maybe a little bit more difficult. Ending dates, yes can seem cruel but let’s talk about bouncing back.

JEL: Oh yes, yes. Well, yeah. I’ve always bounced back quickly. There’s lots of different, lots of different experiences and methods of doing it. I can remember one relationship ending which was not my choice and it’s like “okay”. So, out comes an Oasis album and I can’t remember the name of the song now but it’s a very long one, Live Forever or something, and I played it about 50 times in a row. My flatmates absolutely had enough of it. But, by the time I played it to a certain point, I thought well that’s that process and dealt with. Then I just got lost in that song. It just … it was a cathartic way of just letting that sadness out. So, I’d always bounce back and I remember one occasion losing another … well it was more than dating, it had been a relationship for about 18 years, and you know I just bounced back and one of my friends at the time …. [18 years?] 18 months sorry, 18 months. A guy was in a band at the time, he stayed over this weekend. We had a few drinks and he said ” Are you … I can’t believe how well you seem to be taking this,” and I thought oooooh, am I not taking this badly enough to show that this was, meant something to me this relationship. And well no, well because I can’t stop it. I didn’t make the call on this so I need to bounce back. So, whether it was dating a few times and thinking ohhhhh … I think the worst part about dating someone for a few times is generally they’re in the social circle. It’s like how am I going to now cope with this moving forward in that social crowd because we sort of dated. There’s … we haven’t explicitly either of us have said “you’re not really that nice” or “I don’t think I really want to be with you,” so it’s not about character assassination but it’s about wow we’ve got to actually just move forward. But I always found very easy to bounce back from any kind of negative side of things because there’s just always so many other things in life to do. And of course, to get the dopamine hit of feeling happy again you literally have to get back into the scene.

JULIE: Yes. Now there is ending a date, which could be a few times, and there’s ending a relationship. [Yeah, I know.] And they are slightly, they are slightly different because in a relationship you’ve put a lot of investment over time and that isn’t always a bounce back. There could be a lot of time ruminating about what went wrong, and what could have been, and things like that, but so on a date level definitely pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and onto the next date. That’s what I found.

JEL: Yeah, and I think you would’ve had more experience than me of that because where dates for me have ended, it’s probably just fizzled out. We’ve just not arranged another date. There’s nothing particularly been said, and I didn’t see a need to say anything if it’s just fizzled out. I didn’t, yeah.

JULIE: Yes. I’ve also had dates that haven’t worked but they’ve remained good acquaintances in a way and it’s actually nice to have … to have … I won’t call them friends but we’ve already gone through that, close acquaintances. It’s really nice you know occasionally to go out to the pictures and feeling that “Oh my God this isn’t a … this isn’t them trying to redate me.” It’s not. It’s very platonic but sometimes getting over, getting that out of the way and realizing that they’re not a perfect match. Just, it’s really nice to have company from time to time as well.

JEL: I do think you, a lot of you … the question will always come down to, and I’m sure people listening is you know, I just people say “I can’t imagine getting myself into a relationship, it seems so hard.” Or, “I’m picking the wrong people and not having success.” As Julie said several times it’s about honesty. Honesty with yourself first and honesty with them. You have to be honest with yourself and own your feelings, and your view, and the way you see the world. And if you know you have ADHD, obviously have to own it. With dating you just can’t give up. You’ve got to find this balance between not being obsessed and constantly driving it as the only thing in life, and but at the same time not giving up and thinking well there’s no one out there for me because there literally is someone out there for you. And I’m … the only advice I can give is always look around you, look around. There’s an old saying which I really you know, I love these old sayings that come from our parents’ generation because they stretch back a long way, but the odds are you already know the person you’re likely to end up marrying. And that saying, I heard that when I was young and I was always looking around thinking: is it you? Is it you? But there is a truth in that. There is a truth in that and I can testify to that, and lots of people I know can testify prior to that. [Now you also use the word ‘marriage’ and but that’s …] But then no, marriage is the end result of dating generally for a lot of people. [Yeah, but it doesn’t have to be marriage – long to relationship, whatever.] But the expression is the intent but you know because you start dating in theory, and then you eventually end up something more serious.

JULIE: I agree. Also too I think for those people that have been single for a long time, going “I can’t face the world of dating. Wouldn’t know where to start. Don’t know how,” I think if you don’t look at it from a romantic thing but think about dating as a social thing, and just go out to have a bit of a laugh, to have some company with someone. Lower the expectations of … not of the character you’re meeting because you absolutely own who you choose to be around, but what might happen after that date. So don’t line it all up saying “Right, great. And then we’ll be engaged by Christmas,” and you know, whatever it may be, but I think just having an open mind as to what will come after that first date and just go in there and fill your boots with dopamine, you know. Enjoy being out, enjoy. If you’re going ”out out’ enjoy a different scenery, different places, having good banter with someone and in my view, I think again dating should be easy, if it’s the right person.  If it’s awkward and whatever well they’re not the right person and that’s when your sort of “Next one.”

JEL: And it shouldn’t come with all the, untrappings? That’s not the right word is it, all the commercial sense of flowers, chocolates, dinner and all these expensive things. That’s all going to do something in my opinion, going to do something that involves a lot of noise and inability to talk to each other. Dating is about talking to each other and just getting to know each other and seeing if there’s a match there. It’s also now … at the beginning we said that we don’t take things slowly, whether it’s dating or the next stage after dating, we don’t. But some people with ADHD may take things slowly because there’s a reservation and that’s okay too. Just because we don’t doesn’t mean other people can’t.

JULIE: And there’s a risk of course by jumping in there and being impulsive and all in. There’s a risk that you invest a lot of time and money, and you know whether it’s moving in together or whatever without actually really ensuring that the gel you know, that you gel through some good times and some rougher times and really know each other well. So, yes. I can see definitely more reserve people’s more gingerly approaching that. But I guess this is more about the … that’s entering a relationship and I think of the dating stage is the first step, right? Getting out there, and meeting people, and chatting and yeah.

JEL: Oh because dating is like a job interview, isn’t it. [Well, more fun.] It’s like a string of job interviews for a relationship rather than a job. I mean there is such a fine line between dating and a relationship because third date in you are actually in theory, in theory, in a relationship [-ish]. Yes, you are in theory. It is a very small one or it might be about to flip into a lifetime one. It’s such a thin line and none of us to be honest, whether we have ADHD or not are experts on it. None of us can be in your shoes when you’re doing it. If you’re very aware of your traits, and how they may be perceived and received by someone without ADHD, at the same time just keep hold of that knowledge because you may find yourself dating someone who is undiagnosed ADHD or has ADHD but doesn’t want to tell you just yet for fear that you’re going to run a mile. So, keeping that one on board …

JULIE: Yeah, and also too just because your date does not have ADHD or that you sense that they do not have ADHD, it doesn’t mean that it’s not going to be a good match. What you’re looking from them is some active listening on their part, and encouraging you to talk more, or finding interest in your interest, you know what I mean. At the end of the day, it’s all about understanding, and great open conversation, and then you can have that with anyone neurotypical or neurodiverse. But picking up on the listening and that communication from the start I think is a good one.

JEL: I’m going to mention it, your book, because one of the things from my perspective because I didn’t write the book, is what one of the things I love about the book having read it, is that it’s really awesome for people who are dating or heading into a relationship or related to some, a woman with ADHD. I shouldn’t say someone, it’s primarily women. So that’s …and I had a conversation with someone recently around the book space asking about relationships, and all I could say to this lovely person was look, you know, this book really is for your prospective partner to get some idea of how you think. Or, there’s just as much chance you could meet someone with ADHD. And my advice, which was with a smile, not literal, not “you must follow this”, if you can find yourself someone with ADHD that you’re drawn to, that’s probably going to give you some good odds that it’s going to be a shared journey. At least you’re going to start understanding each other.

JULIE: Yes, and in fact the … I think the lady in particular … talking at an author’s talk just this weekend, and a lady had brought in a book, my book for me to sign on the day, which is wonderful. And she had highlighted, there were sentences and paragraphs were highlighted and underlined and she said “I’m not diagnosed with ADHD yet but I tell you what, my next partner needs to read these things.” And I thought that was so wonderful because if you can resonate with some of the points and own it, and then explain to other people that “It’s not just me. There’s a whole bunch of who us feel this way, or a whole bunch of us will have these experiences, or show these behaviours based on our how our brains work.

JEL: So, it doesn’t mean you have to find someone with ADHD today. It doesn’t mean that at all. But, at the same time it’s not to be excluded from the general approach because a … person A meets person B. Person A is determined to spend the next 20 years traveling the world and never settling down. Person B wants to settle down. You’ve got very little in common. Having something in common does form the basis of a relationship and starts with the dating. I’m just saying if you both have ADHD, and you’re both aware of it, just be aware that could be, might stretch your odds up just to have a more successful chance of that.

JULIE: And we’re talking diagnosed ADHD because I think two undiagnosed ADHDers, while they might get on really well, again they might not understand with regards to emotional dysregulation, for example. If that were to happen or a quick temper, but once ADHD is understood, and both parties can own that, I think greater understanding can come from that.

JEL: And to be fair, we’ve also … some of these events we’ve have had people come up to us who have bought the book specifically because they’re very significant other has ADHD, and they’re struggling in that relationship, and trying to find their way through that. And to be fair, I think we can identify people particularly on your side of things, who you’ve dated who didn’t have ADHD and it was “Stop right there.” Now, that’s even before you’ve got into the real negative stuff that comes ADHD. That was just at the first hurdle of the passion, the energy, the you know, the talking, over talking yeah. So, there’s no black and white rule to this. There’s no fixed. We can’t give you the magic bullet but stuff to think about when it comes to dating, eh. [Absolutely.] I think so.

JULIE: And that was ADHD and dating. Thanks for listening.

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