Parent The Child You Have

Rethinking Expectations With Compassion

Dana is a family coach who specialises in ADHD and anxiety. As a mother of neurodivergent children herself, she knows how hard it can be to stay patient and present when expectations go unmet.

Her key strategy is simple but transformative: shift your expectations to meet your child where they are, not where you wish they’d be.

“When you adjust your expectations, you’re not lowering them, you’re aligning them. You’re recognising what’s developmentally real and emotionally fair.”
— Dana Baker-Williams, ADHDifference

This approach isn’t about doing less. It’s about choosing support over struggle, connection over control. Dana shares how mismatched expectations can create unnecessary conflict, not because the child is being defiant, but because they’re being misunderstood.

When we pause and reassess what’s actually possible in the moment, we make space for growth, trust, and nervous system safety.

Why This Strategy Works

Children with ADHD or anxiety often have an uneven developmental profile. They might appear mature in one area (like vocabulary) but struggle deeply in others (like emotional regulation or transitions). This gap between “what they should be able to do” and “what they can actually manage today” creates a pressure cooker for both the child and the parent.

When you shift your expectations:

You reduce power struggles and reactive discipline
You meet the child’s nervous system with support, not stress
You focus on progress, not perfection

This is especially important for kids who are often masking at school or in public. At home, they need recovery, not performance.

When to Use This Strategy

This mindset shift can be most helpful when:

Your child is melting down “over nothing” and you feel yourself getting triggered
You’re repeating the same expectations day after day and nothing is changing
You notice your child is exhausted after school or social time
You’re starting to question, “Shouldn’t they know how to do this by now?”
You feel like you’re failing as a parent because strategies that work for others don’t work for your child

Instead of assuming noncompliance, ask, “Is this a skill gap or a capacity issue?” The answer often points to a more helpful path forward.

How to Practice It Daily

You don’t need a manual, just a pause and a reframe. Here are a few ways to practice this strategy:

Use language that reflects capacity, not character: “You’re not in the zone for this right now” is more helpful than “You should know better.”
Pre-empt pressure: If you know certain times (after school, before bed) are tough, reduce demands during those windows.
Co-regulate before you correct: Regulation always comes before learning. Meet the need first, then offer guidance.
Track patterns, not isolated moments: Some days are just hard. Look for growth across time, not perfection in the moment.

The Science Behind It

An 2022 Australian review highlighted that children with neurodivergent profiles often benefit most from environments that are structured and scaffolded—rather than solely governed by strict behaviour rules. It emphasises that “predictable support and flexible scaffolding” helps neurodivergent children engage with learning, build emotional and behavioural regulation, and participate in daily routines with greater confidence. The findings confirm that emotionally attuned and developmentally responsive parenting improves self regulation and reduces caregiver and child stress by aligning expectations with a child’s actual regulatory capacity.¹

💬 Final Thought

Dana reminds us that “meeting your child where they are” isn’t giving up—it’s giving in to what’s actually real, and building from there. Shifting expectations doesn’t mean expecting less. It means expecting differently, with more compassion and clarity.

When you stop forcing outcomes and start designing support around how your child’s brain works, you make space for connection, growth, and lasting trust.

🎧 Listen to the full episode S1E46 here 🎧

REFERENCES:

McLean, S. (2022). Supporting children with neurodiversity. Child Family Community Australia, Australian Institute of Family Studies.